The Language of Adoption: What to Say and What NOT to Say!

I recently stumbled across this on icareaboutorphans.org (branched from Focus on the Family) and it was too good to not share!  I still clearly remember the first time when someone -a classmate in the first grade- said to me, "So, you don't live with your real parents?"  Okay, grace on a first-grader, but twenty years later, people of all ages continue to ask if I know my "real parents," if I resent my birth mother for "giving me away," or if my brother is adopted or if he is my "parents' own child."  Even well-intentioned media, such as the movie, "October Baby," is guilty of using such terminology.  To be quite frank, it makes my blood boil every time I hear such careless talk- children who were adopted come from all kinds of different backgrounds, and some may already be battling the lies that they were unwanted or that they will never be part of a "real" family.  Please be aware of the language you use when discussing adoption with anyone!

Correct/Accurate Adoption Terminology*
Incorrect	Accurate
Real Parent/natural parent	Birthparent
Real mom/real dad	Birthmother/birthfather
Adoptive parent/adoptive mom/adoptive dad	Parents/mom/dad
Adopted child/own child	My child
Giving away/relinquishing/putting up for adoption/put up	Making an adoption plan
Keeping the baby	Deciding to parent
Foster child	Child in foster care
Adoptable/eligible/available	Waiting or child in need of a family
Child of their own (very offensive)	Birth child
Foreign adoption	International adoption
Is adopted	WAS adopted
Adopted OUT	Made an adoption plan
Real (blood) relative	Birth relative
Raped	Sexually assaulted or sexually abused
Beaten/hit	Physically abused
Adopted OUT OF the foster care system	Adopted through or from the foster care system
Normal child	Typically developing child

Taken from icareaboutorphans.org

Adapted from the National Council for Adoption


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Take That Leap of Faith: Angela's Story

Angela already had her hands full with four children and a fifth on the way, but she didn't let that stop God from breaking her heart for orphans in Eastern Europe.  When a friend told her about a short-term orphan hosting program, Angela signed up to view the pictures of children available for hosting.  One picture, of two lovely teenaged twins, stood out to her.  Angela recalls: "I was intrigued by the whole program and thought how awesome it would be. It was something about these girls that lured me in. I started praying for these girls. I had called and asked about the program and was told we were too young to adopt these girls (per Latvian law) and I probably couldn't host either."

Initially, she and her husband let the idea go...but Angela couldn't stop thinking about the two girls.  She prayed furiously for the next several months, and eventually learned that she and her husband could host the two girls for Christmas, and could advocate for an eligible family to adopt them.  They sent in the payment to host, ecstatic that the girls would be joining their family for a short time.  Then, the unexpected happened.  Two days later, Angela received a phone call that another woman wanted to host the twins, and adopt them (which she was old enough to do).  The girls would turn 16 and become unadoptable soon, but this woman had her paperwork ready and would be able to offer them a home before their deadline. "My heart broke. I cried. and cried. and cried," says Angela.  "I was SOOOO happy for the girls. But so sad. I thought God was using ME to help these girls. Little did I know that all he asked of me was to PRAY for them. I prayed so fervently that they would find a forever family. And they did- within 2 days!"

Despite the curveball they had just received, Angela knew God wanted her to be involved in hosting in some way.  She continued to view photolistings and fell in love with another little girl, but, again, God closed the door by sending her to another family.  Angela went to bed that night feeling sad and wondering if perhaps she wasn't supposed to host after all.  But, after waking up at 4am and finding herself unable to fall back to sleep, she checked her email and discovered a new email from the program coordinator.  Two nine-year-old girls had just been listed, and the coordinator was willing to give Angela first priority to host them. "I called my husband, who had left early for work. He was super excited as they were young enough that we COULD potentially adopt them. We decided that this was our chance. Two cute little twin girls. I got my twins after all!" she says.

Once the initial hosting was finalized, the whirlwind of preparations began. "We had to switch around the bedrooms that our children were in to make way," Angela recalls. "We needed beds, bedding, clothing, suitcases. We were donated almost all of this stuff. We could make the funds work, but wanted to do a fundraiser to help the cost a bit. We had lots of friends get together one night and had a craft night making items to sell at a fundraiser. We also had several people donate baked goods to sell at the fundraiser."

Finally, the day of the girls' arrival came.  As she watched the two little girls come of the plane, Angela remembers, "I'm pretty sure I didn't stop smiling for a very long time. They were smiling...and crying. I felt so much love for these poor little girls who had traveled for 2 days just to come see us. I didn't know if we should try to hug them or not. One of the girls came straight towards me, the other to my husband and they wanted big hugs right away. One also kissed me on the cheek and spoke to me in Russian. I had no idea what she was saying besides Mama and Papa. They were smiling, and crying, and laughing. I felt happy."

Angela would never claim that it was a bed of roses from that point on.  "Some of the hard things were 1) Not understanding what they were saying- we did use google translate but since they do not spell well in their own language, google translate couldn't help us much at all. The girls would get frustrated when we couldn't understand them some times. 2) We had some [of our biological] kids feeling left out when the girls would play with some and not the others. And by the end the kids were fighting like regular old siblings so we had a few spats between the kids. It was kind of hard to help when we couldn't explain to the girls what was going on-since they don't speak English."

However, when asked what made the entire experience worth it, she says, "The moments when we COULD understand them. The gestures that you don't NEED language for. The love they gave us. They wanted hugs and kisses. They just wanted someone to love them. When we would get google translate to work and we could talk with them a little bit about their past. You hear why they are where they are, and your heart breaks for these little girls who have experiences so much pain and hurt. The love I felt for them at those moments, how I just wanted to hug them and let them know someone loves them-those times made everything worth it."

She says the hardest day for both her and her husband was the day the girls had to return home. "My husband had to take the girls back to the plane by himself because of our youngest child's health.  I couldn't go with. I would say that would have been the hardest thing- to put them on a plane and watch them go," she says.  "For me, one of the hardest things was the morning they got up, packed all their stuff, put it all in the car, and had to say goodbye. I listened to Christian music and felt sad all day long. That was hard."

Even so, Angela and her family have no regrets in their choice to open their home and their hearts to these two little girls, and are excited to see how God will use this experience to shape all of their futures. To families considering hosting, she shares this wisdom: "You won't be the same afterwards. There will be a little piece of the kids left with you after they go home. Your heart will always hold a space for them. Your heart will grow to love that extra child or children...my words of advice...GO FOR IT. Take that leap of faith and see what happens."

For more information about hosting, visit http://www.newhorizonsforchildren.org, or check out their facebook page.




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Why Do I Do This? A Reminder...

Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in the glamour of pageantry.  Just like a bride planning her wedding, a contestant preparing for a national pageant can spend hours shopping for her wardrobe, working on her fitness and skincare regimes, and rehearsing answers to her potential interview questions.

Then, discouragement comes.  The expenses of pageantry are hanging over our heads, and sponsorship is slow in coming.  A friend introduces us to others as "Miss Wisconsin," and your momentary pride drains as someone asks if you want "world peace" or if you have eaten anything besides laxatives that day.  You get injured or sick and fall out of your workout routine.  Just like sports, business, the arts, or anything else that has potential for great achievement, pageantry also demands dedication and hard work.

If the glitter and spotlights were all that pageantry was about, I can't say if it would be worth it.  But, yesterday, I was reminded of why I applied to be Miss Wisconsin in the first place.

If you've been following me for any length of time, you remember my friend Susan, and the story of her and her husband's journey to host Anna, a teen who was an orphan, from Ukraine.  After Christmas, Anna returned to the orphanage, but Susan was determined to find a family for her.  Time was short- Anna would turn sixteen soon, and would age out of the Ukrainian care system.  She would be left to fend for herself in the streets of Ukraine.   We prayed.  We spread the word.  We prayed some more.  Then, a family stepped up.  They would adopt Anna, if Anna was willing to join their family.

Susan called Anna in Ukraine and, through an interpreter, explained that she and her husband loved her very much, but they couldn't adopt her because of they didn't meet the Ukrainian age requirements.  However, Susan explained that another family had fallen in love with her and wanted her to come home to them.  Would Anna leave the country, the culture, and the language she had known for her entire life and come to the United States?  Would she open her heart to these people she had never met, allowing them to become her mother and father?  This family wanted to provide for her, care for her, and love her for the rest of her life, but would Anna understand this?

Susan finished the conversation and left Anna with time to think.  We all waited and prayed.  Susan made several attempts to get in touch with Anna again, but technical failures prevented them from being able to speak to each other.   Then, yesterday, the email came from the adoption agency.  Anna said yes!!!

This was why I first applied for the Miss International system.  God had broken my heart for the children around the world without families, and I knew I needed to do something.  I'm not a politician, a celebrity, or a multi-millionaire, but I am a pageant competitor.  If I can play a part in bringing Anna home, I can also help bring the 153 million orphans around the world to their families.   As Miss Wisconsin International, I have been given a voice for my cause.  True pageant winners don't choose a platform for their crown; they go for a crown so they can fight for their platform.

We praise God for the way He has orchestrated the events that lead to Anna and her family finding each other, but we also need your help more than ever right now!  Anna's family will need to raise $15,000 to bring her home.  You can send donations to bringorphanshome@gmail.com (using paypal, or visit Susan's blog to donate with a credit or debit card).  You can also shop at any of the following businesses:

Susan's Etsy Shop (Check out Susan's gorgeous, unique handmade jewelry!  All her profits go towards adoptions. Some jewelry is specifically designed for other adoptive families, but everything else goes towards Anna's adoption!)

Susan's Skincare and Cosmetic Business  (through Mary Kay, 100% of profits go toward Anna's adoption)

Appleton Enterprises (My business through Amway, 100% of my profits go towards Anna's adoption)

Stefanie's Chocolate Business (Stefanie has set up a party under "Bring Orphans Home" with all profits going towards Anna.  This is some seriously amazing chocolate!!!)

Let's all bring Anna home!!!!

(Note: this is separate from sponsoring ME in the Miss International pageant.  All sponsorship donations can be made here:)

The "Adoption vs. Humanitarian Work" Debate

In my ventures advocating for adoption, this is a debate that I encounter: "Is adoption of orphans really an effective way to make a difference?  Shouldn't we be more focused on humanitarian work that eliminates the orphan crisis at it's roots?"

I guess I can understand where some people get this mindset from.  Throughout American history, there are repeated examples of the "our way is the right way" attitude.  Americans have tried to "fix" other cultures by forcing their own culture upon people who are different.  Is this what happens with international adoption?  Do we see ourselves as the heroes that "rescue" these children from their host cultures?

Anyone who has been through the adoption process will tell you about the extreme scrutinization of every aspect of their lives, the grueling mounds of paperwork, the mounting expenses, and the emotional roller coaster that they face.  With maybe a few exceptions, the only parents who make it through the process are the ones who are driven by love for a child, not by their own desire to be a "hero."  I'm not talking about individual families here; I'm talking about the United States or other big "adoption" countries as a whole society.  Of course we can't allow ourselves to believe that we are the "good" nation sent to save the rest of the world (keep in mind, you don't have to travel overseas to meet a child who is considered an "orphan"!), and our priority cannot be "Bring Every Orphan in the World to the United States."

The orphan crisis is a symptom of many, many other problems that need to be fixed.  Women give birth to children they cannot raise because they are victims of rape or human trafficking.  Children are orphaned when their parents die of diseases that could easily be prevented or treated, but medical treatment wasn't available.   In places where poverty and illiteracy are extreme, parents may be tricked into signing away parental rights or encouraged to send their children away "temporarily, so they can work and earn money," so that money can be made from the adoption process.  Until we fix these roots of the problem, the orphan crisis will only continue.  Some countries have an age limit as low as 14 for providing care for orphans, due to lack of space or resources.  Children who are sent away from orphanages as teenagers, with no place to go, often see no other option but to use crime or prostitution as a means to survive, and some will become birth parents of a new generation of orphans.

Humanitarian work absolutely plays a vital role in fighting the orphan crisis.  Organizations such as Amazima Ministries, the International Justice Mission, and Compassion International all fight issues such as poverty, lack of education, and human trafficking.  As these issues are tackled, the hope is that families will be able to raise their children in healthy, stables homes in their native countries and cultures.

However, that's not to say that humanitarian work is the only solution to the problem.  Finding the cure for cancer would be a great accomplishment that would benefit millions of people, but that doesn't mean we can forget about those who are already in need of cancer treatment in the name of freeing more money and people for cancer research.  The same principle holds true for the global orphan crisis.  Even if every humanitarian issue could be resolved by tomorrow morning, there would still be an estimated 153 billion children around the world without families.  We cannot ignore these children in the name of freeing up time, money, people, or resources for humanitarian work.  Some may focus on one over the other, but that does not mean humanitarian workers and adoption advocates are arch rivals.  Our lines of work may be different, but our goal is common: to ensure that, throughout the entire world, every child has a family that can provide for him or her in every aspect- physical, emotional, spiritual, educational.   This is what every child deserves!!

Please support this family in their adoption for a chance to win some great Apple products!

The Up Look: APPLE GIVEAWAY!!!: We are having an Apple Giveaway!!! Thanks to a VERY generous Donor, we have several Apple items that will be included in our giv...

Thank You, Jim Kryshak Jewelers!!

Thank you to my third business sponsor to come on board with me, Jim Kryshak Jewelers of Wausau!!

Jim Kryshak is a name that I have heard among many of my friends in Wausau, and they have all had positive things to say.  Some have a one-time experience of purchasing wedding or engagement rings, others buy all their fine jewelry there, but they have all told me that the deals on jewelry are great, the selection is fantastic, and the customer service is wonderful!  One customer sent in the following testimony: ""I wanted to thank you for your kindness and willingness. After losing my engagement ring, your team of staff was very helpful. With your help, I was able to replace my ring wth the best deal possible. Everyone I worked with was caring and professional. It was obvious the staff really did care about my situation,and everyone did their best to help out. I would greatly recommend your store and services to others."

On their own website, jimkryshak.com, Jim Kryshak shares their promise to customers: "Our promise at Jim Kryshak Jewelers Inc. is to provide our customers with a shopping experience that will exceed their expectations of our store, our merchandise, and our service."

In addition to engagement rings, wedding bands, and a variety of fine jewelry,  Jim Kryshak also offers Custom Designs, Diamond Education, and offers customers a chance to request a diamond of a specific shape, size, and other features.

If you are looking to make a jewelry purchase and would like to support a local business with great selection and customer service, please visit Jim Kryshak at 3808 Rib Mountain Drive or visit their webpage.  You can also "like" Jim Kryshak on facebook.  Thank you, Jim Kryshak, for helping me represent Wisconsin at the Miss International pageant in July, and to be a voice for my platform, "Bringing Orphans Home: The Power of Adoption"!

I am almost one-third of the way to raising my sponsorship!


If you would like to sponsor me, either as a business or individual, please send paypal payments to misswiinternational2013@gmail.com, or use the link below:

I look forward to working with Jim Kryshak Jewelers to promote their business in the future!!!

Where Children Are Waiting: Uganda

Uganda is a country close to my family's heart, as it is where my one and only brother calls home.  When he comes home for Christmas or a short summer visit, he has all kinds of stories about the beautiful land, the rich culture and the wonderful people that make up this nation long-known as "The Pearl of Africa."

Uganda's population is approximately 33,796,461 spanning over 241,551 kilometers of fertile land.  It is the third poorest country in the world, with half it's population under 14 years old.  One in every six people is dying of the AIDS virus, and orphans make up ten percent of the population.  Children in Uganda die daily from malnutrition, lack of medical treatment, and basic necessities.  Many sleep on dirt floors infected with lice and flees every night.  Many will never have the opportunity to obtain an education (2).

 Uganda has become a well-known name among those with a heart for adoption, particularly with the recent release of the book, Kisses from Katie.  This book shares the story of one young woman who has become a foster mother to thirteen girls in Uganda (check out her blog here!).  Uganda is not a party to the Hague Convention.  Adoptive parents are expected to reside in Uganda with the child for three years, but exceptions can be made.   Applicants for adoption must be 25 years of age or older and at least 21 years older than the adoptive child.  Married couples may adopt jointly, and singles may also adopt a child of the same sex.  For international adoption, parents must demonstrate having no criminal record, financial stability, and approval from their home country to adopt.  For American families wanting to adopt, more information is available on the Intercountry Adoption page for Uganda.

For those wanting to help, but not ready to formally pursue adoption, please check out Amazima Ministries, founded by Katie Davis:

You may also wish to explore Orphans Heart, which includes opportunities to donate and even travel to Uganda short term to minister to orphans.   If you think your son or daughter might be waiting for you in Uganda, you can contact all agencies placing children from Uganda with one form at Rainbow Kids. Disclaimer: Information is gathered from various sources, including adoption blogs, government websites, and adoption agencies.  Policies may change in accordance with time of adoption, adoption agencies/ orphanges, and other factors.  It is the responsibility of potential adoptive parents to gather accurate information before and during preparation for adoption. I have $450 raised so far for the Miss International Pageant!  If you would like to sponsor me and help me represent Wisconsin and be a voice for orphans, please donate here or send paypal donations to misswiinternational2013@gmail.com